hayleyorrantia101911

(Hayley is 3rd from the left)

We also ran into this problem: we have about half the storage space now. We have a bigger place, but way less storage. So guess what I did? I got my man on for the first time ever and headed out to Home Depot. I have been there before, but it was for work stuff, like when I had to build a float for the Gay Pride parade back when I worked in San Diego. This time was all my business. I bought tools, and some cable so that we could plug in the dryer, and I also bought some other manly stuff, but I cant remember what it is… just some nuts and bolts that I wasnt going to use, but wanted them anyway to make my shoping trip look more manly.

Then I made my way over to Target and bought an armoire, a shoe rack, and some closet space thing and I spent my Sunday building the crap out of those things. It took me all day, but I dont have internet yet, so I just watched my new NFL Sunday Ticket and got to building.. I also managed to connect the wires onto the dryer correctly, and I turned on the the pilot on the water heater. Those things right there could have blown up the house, and I got around that masterfully. House is still there, and I lived through the night so I did not let any gas out. I felt like freaking McGyver! Greatness!

I still have a couple of projects that Kinsey wants me to do… but so far, I am in super guy mode… except for the fact that I did say the word “armoire”.

Moral of the story: doing guy stuff is easy if you read the directions… but it does add a lot more time. Some like to guess what the directions would say, and finish in about half the time, but I am not up to that man level yet.

WORD!

You know how when you put your home up for sale, you have to leave every day with it looking like nobody actually lives there? Everything has to be spotless. All the junk mail filed…the kids’ toys put in their proper places…the dirty dishes transferred from the sink to the dishwasher…the bed has to be made…the bathroom sink and the mirrors have to be wiped dry…and PLEASE don’t forget to flush the toilet…It’s just a nightmare.

And for weeks on end, you go through this same routine every morning for NOTHING. Nobody shows up to look at your house…There is absolutely no interest out there whatsoever. You’re even thinking that it’s about time to give up, take your house off the market, and just live there in your own filth until the day you die.

But then it finally happens. And it’s that one day when everything goes wrong. You were up all night with a sick kid spewing spaghetti…Then you overslept because you forgot to set your alarm clock so now your bathroom looks like a tornado hit it…Then as you’re grabbing your keys and racing out the door, your dog suddenly forgets he’s housebroken…And in your frustration, you just say to yourself, “Screw it! Nobody’s looked at this house for two months anyway! I’ll deal with the dog poo later!” And just as you’re scrambling to get into your car, spilling coffee on the blouse you just picked up from the dry cleaners yesterday, your cell phone starts to ring from somewhere in the bowels of your purse. UGH! You don’t have time for this! Whoever it is can leave a message! So you finally get to work and after you settle your nerves somewhat, you decide to take a peek at that missed call. Terror strikes. It was your realtor! In a panic, you check the voice message she left for you over an hour ago. And like nails down the chalkboard of your soul, you listen as that damned cheerful voice screeches at you, “I’ve got great news! I’m on my way to your house right now! We finally got a showing!!”

The point of all this is not that I’m getting ready to sell my house. No, the point is, I’m just about to replace Kidd Kraddick as the King of Analogies. See, I suddenly had this epiphany — which is way too dramatic a word to be using here…but I did come to the realization that putting your house on the market is just like starting a brand new relationship. That’s because when you start dating a bright, new, shiny guy, EVERYTHING has to be perfect. You always have to be in a great mood when (and IF) he calls you (at like 5:30 in the afternoon because he suddenly realized that he hadn’t given a single thought to you all day but out of obligation — or just to keep you from bitching — he decides to send you an emotion-free “How’s your day going?” text which you have to answer with an upbeat “Great!” followed by a cheerful emoticon). You always have to have on perfect makeup and a cute-bordering-on-sexy outfit, just in case he hits you up with a “My meeting got canceled so I was wondering if you could meet me for lunch in 15 minutes” and you want to make him think you’re this spontaneous, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of girl who just so happens to look this effortlessly fabulous for no reason whatsoever. And you always have to shave your legs — not just to the knees, but all the way up. Nothing kills the moment like the stress you feel when you realize that lunch is ending with dessert back at his place and he’s about to be rubbing up on your hairy thigh. Unless you’re wearing those panties you save for that time of the month because you were running low on clean underwear…that’s pretty bad, too.

But see! Dating a new guy is just like having your house on the market! Only YOU’RE the house! And HE’S the buyer coming over for a showing! But you don’t want him to see your dirty laundry tossed around everywhere and have him be all disgusted by the filth in your bathroom. And you SURE don’t want to disclose up front that your house suffers from foundation problems. Why would you want to be all OBVIOUS like that? First, you have to distract him from noticing any problems by prettying up your house with lots of paint and accessories. And then once he falls in love with the house and decides that this is the house for him, that’s when it’s time for the home inspection. And THAT’S the time when all those pesky little foundation problems finally get revealed to the buyer. But at this point, you’re hoping he’s so in love with your house that he’s willing to pay whatever it takes to get it fixed so he can move in there, or that he’s just willing to live with the house and all of its problems, as is.

So that’s why I’m glad I broke up with that guy I wasn’t dating anyway — because now I don’t have to shave my legs all the way up anymore. And THAT’s my silver lining.